#blew myself and my boyfriend up and i know he isnt mad at me over a fucking video game but i immediately crumbled and started crying on cal

[alicecoopersbush]

do you guys ever feel completely incompetent and useless playing games with people

[kweebtrash]

Streamhearts Timestamp 12:47am

Title: Nakie Stream

Pairing: Camboy!JohnnyxCamgirlOC (Rem)

Word Count: 4.2k

Genre: Smut

Features: recording sexual acts, daddy kinks, pet names (good girl, bunny, etc), Soft(ish) dom Johnny, use of sex toys, blowjobs, some finger sucking, anal/vaginal fingering, teasing/whining, shy sub OC, anal fucking, choking, swallowing/messy cumshot

Synopsis:

Though Rem is a smart business woman she hides behind a computer screen all day designing websites for large companies. However, when her day is done she’s still behind a computer screen but now showing the world how hard she can cum. She never wanted to be a camgirl but when financial duties called she took it upon herself to make it. The spotlight (and money) got to her and she expanded to showcasing her nerdy side; livestreams, lewd cosplay photoshoots, let’s plays, subscriptions, review, vlogs, tutorials, you name it. Her streams catches the attention of a fellow cammer, Johnny, who on a whim decided to message her. Both aren’t the sexed up dolls they pretend to be in the online life and instead ease their way into a relationship with not so perfect sex, mistakes, and total confusion.

A/N: This used to be on my Kofi which im closing down and just putting everything up on here. This isnt continuing.

Masterlist     Johnny Only Masterlist

~~

"It's time for Nakie Stream!" I giggled as I looked into the camera hooked up to my computer. Dozens of people had already logged on and the number was slowly creeping into the hundreds. I blew kisses and greeted the new arrivals as I showed off my boobs and bounced them a little. Even as I stood around and posed I was getting a few tips. This was all I did it for. I didn't really enjoy it nor did I want to continue doing it for the next ten years of my life. But for now it was another addition to my finances.

I slipped on my pink kitty headphones and connected the bluetooth. The ears lit up, twinkling neon. They were my favorite and I spent some time talking about the specs. Many people would rather just watch me fuck myself but some were actually interested in the fact that I was a "gamer girl™". I hated that title but whatever sold the aesthetic. The truth was that I was indeed a nerd. I had a master's degree in computer sciences and web design, I created websites for companies under an alias and different VPN so nothing would be connected to my other life. The other life, this camgirl/cosplayer/social media influencer/let's player, was my home. I wanted to travel across the country to show off the cosplays I engineered and get my foot in the door to speaking with video game companies through my let's plays. I could sail on that life and would never have to step foot in a retail store or office space again. I would have my own freedom.

I signed softly as a saw a drop in viewers and stopped talking about the headphones. This was the hardest part, being the stupid sex doll for the ones who were only interested in getting off. I turned on the video capture and started up the game so I could properly start my stream. I was just about ready to sit in my gaming chair when I felt warm thighs beneath me. I jumped up and turned quickly, surprised by my boyfriend. He pulled me into his lap, a poised erection parallel to his stomach. He had helped me gain confidence in performing on camera and he was my safety net when we made videos together. I was much more comfortable and relaxed when he touched me. "JJ is joining me today." It was his stupid online nickname because he couldn't think of anything else. "Hope you don't mind. He challenged me to a bet. If I win a few rounds while he's fucking me he will buy me whatever I want, no matter the cost. If I cum or get distracted too much and fail then I get punished in anyway he wants and he'll upload that on his page. I think I can win though. I've spent days awake during releases and playing games straight through so this is nothing."

Johnny scoffed. "You say that now, but just you wait." He set his hands on my hips and turned me away from the camera and let my ass be the center of attention. I bent over and cupped his face gently to plant kisses over his lips while his hands shifted to spread my cheeks apart and show off the heart shaped gem of the butt plug that was nestled inside me. He grabbed a hold of the gem and pulled the plug out slowly, not all the way but just enough to work up some thrusts. I moaned softly, the headphones capturing the sound loud and clear so I could hear it as well as the viewers. The familiar ping of a notification that I received a tip racketed one after the other and Johnny smiled before whispering under his breath. "Blow me for a bit. That'll stall us and give a chance for more people to log on."

I nodded, following his advice and kissed down his bare chest until I reached the junction of his happy trail to the hair above the base of his cock. He turned the chair slightly to adjust the view from the camera and used the small remote beside my computer mouse to move the lens and zoom in more to focus on my face. He was an expert on camera mechanics and even helped me get better equipment for my set up and I had seen my following grow substantially.

I lowered myself to my knees as he spread his thighs apart. Grabbing the base of his cock, he tapped the head against my lips a few times, chuckling on the outside but both of our eyes showed annoyance. We hated doing certain things for the camera but sucked it up anyway. He found the motion stupid while I found it to be a turn off but with my attraction to him outweighed all our discomfort. I parted my lips and slipped his head into the heat of my mouth. The soft moan he let out was definitely a real reaction and I instantly flicked my eyes up to his. His own had closed and his head leaned back against the chair. Gripping what I couldn't fit, I held him steady as I bobbed my head. I swallowed around him and tightened my throat as a slight buck of his hips moved him deeper.

Another moan came, this time from me that was muffled by the invasion. I upturned it into a drawn out exaggeration to add to the stream. Johnny set his hand on the back of my head and kept me close, forcing me to breathe through my nose. "More, baby girl. I know you can do it." He encouraged. I furrowed my brow and tried to calm my gag reflex as I wiggled down more of his shaft. "That's good." He groaned. "That's my good girl."

My cheeks tinged with rose colored fire at the compliment. I held on as he pushed his hips up, dictating a rhythm I was forced to follow as he fell into controlling the situation. I was at his mercy and he knew how to test my limits without going overboard. Deep throating was just another thing we were trying to check off our list but I still struggled to take down his length. He was so perfectly thick and long, nothing over the top or short of disappointment. It was enough to challenge my small body without me crumbling under intense pain. Our size differences, both in height and ratio of his cock to my hole, drove him absolutely stark raving mad. There had been plenty of times where he had to reel himself in before he devoured me completely in a rush of brutal thrusts. But that was exactly what I wanted.

He pulled out of my mouth just as I felt the first drop of precum fall on my tongue. I licked my lips to disconnect the saliva from us-another thing I hated but knew sloppy blowjobs were another aesthetic cash grab. "Get the lube." He commanded with a hard spank to my ass that made me squeak. I trotted away from my desk and rummaged through my nightstand drawer to get the large bottle of lube I had. "And your favorite toy." He added.

I smiled to myself as I pulled out the elongated orb shape of a vibrator that Johnny could control through an app on his phone. He disappeared from the camera view to retrieve his phone before taking his place back in my gaming chair. He guided me to sit on his lap, resting my feet on the armrests so I was spread open. I hid behind my controller a bit as I was too shy to be so splayed out with everything visible. Johnny shoved the controller down right away though, not letting me hide for even a second. I pouted and looked back at him, glaring. He only returned the stare, adding a "what did i tell you?" kind of expression. I exhaled through my nose and pressed start reluctantly. As I was flicking through the menu and character selection I found Johnny's long fingers creeping towards my mouth.

"Open." He demanded and my jaw lowered to accept him again. During a loading screen he thrusted his fingers, pinching at my tongue and stroking the sensitive area at the back of it. My toes squirmed as i wanted to gag but he pulled his fingers forward just before the sensation could worsen. A few more thrusts and he removed them completely, showing off the now glistening skin. He moved between my legs, stroking along my slit and just barely circling my clit. Small tingles started to form in my legs but i was able to concentrate as my battle started. It was nothing special as of now. He just wanted to work up one hole before the other so by the time he was shoved deep in my ass i would be more relaxed. The vibrator always helped in that aspect.

He squeezed a single digit in inside me, his honey eyes looking over me to gauge my reaction. My breath had sped up a little but i kept playing even when his tender lips began decorating my neck in the softest of kisses. I loved when he destroyed me but when he was so gentle it drove me more crazy. His kisses gave my tummy butterflies and I tried to squirm away. His finger only plunged deeper and his other hand gripped a fistfull of hair to keep my head straight, making me wince slightly. My eyes widened and brows furrowed just after as I dodged an attack that almost depleted my character's health. I grew irritated at my lack of assistance from the online players. "FUCKERS!" I shouted. "Do I have to do everything myself?!"

"You're so cute when you're irritated." Johnny chuckled.

"Oh piss off." I scoffed. I wasn't cute, I was dead set on capturing the target come hell or high water.

Johnny didn't seem to like my response as he shoved in another finger quickly. He curled them and fucked me faster then he had been and i almost dropped my controller. I swallowed back a moan and tried not to close my shivering thighs. He would hate that even more. "Make noises." He said into my ear. "Remember what I told you."

"Y-y-yessss!" I hissed. That wasn't faked at all. His fingers were magical and I dug my nails into my controller, scratching into the rubber hand grips.

"What was that?" He smirked as the sound of my wetness started to grow louder alongside the tip notifications. "Use your words."

"S-stooppp." I whimpered and paused the game as I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Giving up already? I've barely just started."

I shook my head quickly and renewed the game,keeping myself determined at the sudden reminder. I thought about what I wanted him to buy me, my end goal and reason for this stupid bet. "N-no. I-im not! I'm not giving up!"

"Oh?" He scooted the chair closer to my desk, still making sure to keep the camera poised perfectly. Reaching for the bottle of lube i had collected, he dabbed a little onto his fingertips. I barely noticed his movements until the cold gel was being circled and pushed inside me. I continued to command myself to ignore it. I had to. I exhaled slowly in an attempt to steady my breath but it hitched as soon as i felt the pressure of the vibrator slowly sink into me.

He didn't turn it on right away. Instead he wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed me tight while he buried his face into my neck. It garnered more kisses and occasional nibbles that gave me just a few moments to get back to the game. Slowly, he moved his hands to cup my breasts, giving them both a good squeeze before capturing the nipples between his thumbs and index fingers. Gently, he tugged them into stiff peaks and rolled his fingers over the raised flesh to send small jolts of electricity down my neck. Quiet noises were held in by my lips pressed together though Johnny impatient at the fact i wasn’t letting them out. "You're still not making noises." He growled lowly.

"I can't help it! Im not loud!" I nudged my elbow back into his ribs, trying to squirm away as much as I could. He gave a light tap to my clit and pinned his arm around my waist again. I wanted to move now and I was too afraid to as i saw him make a grab for his phone. The familiar graph like control screen popped up and Johnny pressed his thumb to it. A cursor appeared beneath the pressure and at first he kept it low. That was simple enough for me to handle. He faced his phone to the screen, showing what he was doing to the audience. He chuckled as he read through some of the comments in the chat box.

"Even they think youre gonna lose." He said. "You're doing such a shit job, Remmy."

"Shut up! I'd like to see you try it! Maybe you should be the one trying to play while i fuck your ass." I pouted and crossed my arms as it took longer for my dead character to respawn.

"You're always wanting to fuck my ass." I felt the vibrator increase the intensity and my stomach clenched tight. "Maybe we could do another bet and that could be the stipulation but i don't really see you winning that one either."

"It's not over yet! I can still win!" I said with slight uncertainty.

"We'll see, bunny. I'm gonna take the plug out now." Johnny warned as he wrapped his fingers around the gem base. I nodded and leaned into him, begging for a kiss. He satisfied my craving as he slowly pulled the plug out of me, leaving my gape to flex around the emptiness. He tossed it onto the desk with a hard clunk before gripping my chin firmly. My jaw dropped open as he intensified the kiss, forcing his tongue to fill my small mouth completely. I held onto his shoulders to try and support myself as I got light-headed from the lust clouded thoughts that were spiraling in my head. He parted from me with a quick bite to my lip then reached for the bottle of lube again. He repeated the same motion of swiping it inside me as his fingers worked to stretch me even more.

I could relax around two fingers but he soon added a third which stretched me farther than the plug had. With his clean hand he increased the speed of the vibrator on his phone and I yelped helplessly. I saw him smirk through the video feed on my computer and wanted to wipe it off his face. With shaking hands I gripped my controller and resumed my pathetic attempt at playing the game. The vibrations would send sharper shocks throughout me every once in awhile as Johnny made sure i would feel comfortable taking his cock.

My bottom lip was starting to swell as my teeth kept digging into it. My toes were curling against the armrest and my controller vibrated with each bit of damage i was taking. The toys' own vibrations increased and I was nothing but a squirming mess on his lap. "Are you gonna give up, bunny?" He cooed in my ear. "Are you gonna give up and let daddy win? Please be a good girl for me, ok?"

"N-no! That's not fair! I d-dont wa-wa-nnghh-!" I clenched my teeth tightly as I felt a sudden urge to cum wash over me. He was being relentless with his thrusts now, plowing faster and making lewd sounds as the lube squelched against his fingers.

He made the vibrations spike again and I tossed my head back onto his shoulder, begging him to just slow down a bit. He nuzzled against my cheek and kissed my neck. "Look how loud you're getting for me." He turned my head to the computer monitor as he swiped his thumb across my clit. "Show the viewers how pretty my baby is when she wants to cum, hm?"

I flicked my eyes to the screen, embarrassed but wanting to comply so i could cum. If not i'd be stuck in this hell forever. Hundreds of comments were pouring in and i was able to see a number in tips i had never seen before. I swallowed hard and looked at Johnny. "It's going so well." I whispered.

"See what happens when you listen to me?” I nodded, upset that he was right but at least I could pay my bills with the money we earned. “Are you ready for me?”

I swallowed hard as my heart rate escalated. “I..um..” His erection pressed harder into the center of my back. He felt so swollen and even though I wanted to stay strong, the sub in me wanted to take care of my daddy. I nodded and felt his fingers slid out slowly. With his hands on my waist he was easily able to hoist me up with enough space to guide him towards my hole. Carefully, we worked together, me moving down while he thrusted upwards, to have him fill me entirely. My game kicked me back out to the menu screen as I had died again and it questioned if I wanted to continue. It stayed in limbo, not receiving my decision as my ass had touched the top of Johnny’s thighs and his lips had overcome mine. He scooted down in the chair, giving himself more ease of access to thrust.

The first few motions were careful, paired with a plucking of my nipples and an occasional clit rub. It wasn’t until I started grinding back on him did he increase his speed, pulling out almost completely before shoving himself back inside with a harsh speed. Our whimpers and groans were muffled by our tongues colliding over and over. In between the warm presses of his lips, his tongue would slip out to lap at mine or he would place love bites against my bottom lip. With dreamy and heavy lidded eyes I watched the small contortions of his facial features as his pleasure increased. When his mouth would drop open slightly to release nothing but a strained sound or when his brows furrowed with the intensity of my grip around him, i would drink it in, in love with everything about him.

As I squeezed my walls around him tighter, his hand ascended from the softness of my belly, to between my breasts, and finally to wrap around my neck. My muscles went rigid and my breath strangled. His fingers were formed into a grip that was growing tighter and tighter. I dropped my controller, letting it fall to the floor and found solace in dragging my nails into the plush pads of the armrests. The sound it created seemed to echo in the headphones as my mind transformed into lusty swirling thoughts. The dull burn of his girth inside me started to disintegrate but my stomach still churned with the fantastical feeling of his cock shoving against my insides. “Roll your hips.” He commanded me.

I couldn’t nod but showed my submission by moving my feet onto his thighs and lifting my body slightly. I circled my hips around the head of his cock, concentrating all the strength I could muster into the most sensitive of places. “Fuck, that’s good, angel.” His head fell back and his fingers pulsed their strength around my neck, giving me moments to hiccup in tiny breaths. My thighs burned and my knees buckled as my hold on the armrests made my knuckles splatter with the white color of straining. As he saw my body buckling he wrapped his free arm around me and hauled himself onto his feet. With the hand on my neck he tossed me into the gaming chair, making it skid across the floor a foot or two.

My eyes watered as i looked up at his; darkened and dilated with the idea of ruining me further. The veins in his arms dispersed beneath his skin, deepening into a soft blue hue as he clenched his fists around the armrests now, keeping the chair in place. He pulled the chair forward allowing him to slam back into me. The sound I left out was a mix between a squeak and a scream giving the satisfaction of me being loud on camera like he wanted. Ignoring the way a few tears streaked along the tops of my cheeks from the overwhelming stimuli, he rolled the chair backwards, repeating his motions of dragging me forward to fall into a pattern of ruthless thrusts. I had never regretted getting my gaming chair until this very moment. How he found the simplest household items to torture me with I’ll never know but he sure knew how to make sure I wouldn’t be able to walk tomorrow. I held onto his arms as my back arched and body squirmed and I was unsure if I could hold back any longer. “Give up?” He chuckled darkly. “Just say the word. You’ve already barely played a round and kept dying so I think it’s a given that I’ve won.” he taunted.

If this was the torture during the bet I feared what his punishment for me would be later on. It was too late to change the way I felt and I was already falling into a subspace that needed to be filled with his cum. “D-daddy…” I cried softly.

“Say it.” He worked in another rushed thrust. “I wanna hear you say it.”

I pressed my lips together and clawed at his forearms. My stomach clenched harder and my toes curled, pulling the tendons taught and shooting cramps up my legs. “Fine! Fine! You win! Please let me cum!!!”

Johnny turned to the camera and stuck his tongue out, adding a peace sign, in victory. “Guess you guys get a little punishment video soon.” He leaned down and gave me a soft kiss. “Go on, bunny. It’s okay.”

I let out a small sigh of relief and imagined he would continue his thrusts but instead he reached for his phone one last time. He turned the vibrator up on full strength and I gave in then, growing louder as my cum showered the seat of the chair and onto the carpet below. The tense contractions of my orgasm caused the vibrator to crash to the floor, the buzzing rattling against it. Johnny shut it off completely and waited until i was curled up and suffering from aftershocks to grab a fistful of hair and pulled my head up. “Ahh.” He said.

“I want it in-inside.” I shuddered.

“Nope, that’s for girls who win bets. Open.”

I reluctantly opened my mouth, unhappy with his choice, and watched his large hand stroke over his heated skin just above my tongue. His fist worked faster and faster and his eyes fell shut. He kept my head in place and the sweet heat of his cum covered my tongue, sliding down my chin and dripping onto my chest. I swallowed and licked up as much as I could, even lapping at his slit to make sure he gave me everything he had. Once he relaxed, my hair was let go and i sat back in the chair. I swiped my finger across my chin and licked the last bit of cum that I missed. My legs fell as my body slumped; I better get a bath and cuddles after this, I thought, a pout sprouting on my lips. Johnny made up some quick exit greeting and shut off the cameras and bright ring lights. “You ok?”

“I’m sleepy and sore and want cuddles and a bath.”

He smiled and picked me up from the chair, wrapping my legs around him. “I will make you a bath and give you all the cuddles you want, okay?” I nodded and buried my face in his neck as he walked us to the bathroom. “But to be honest, you were such a good girl today. I’m proud of you for being louder and showing your face more.”

I squeezed my arms around his neck, trying to hide as much as I could for my cheeks were burning crimson. He could be rough but also sweet and docile when he took care of me. I loved him so much it almost hurt. “Can you say thank you?” he asked as if I was a child that had forgotten their manners.

“Thank you, Daddy.” I mumbled against his skin.

He rubbed my back before setting me down on the toilet seat cover. “I’ll let that one slide. I can tell you’re sleepy.”

“You’re gonna stay the night, right?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but with you.”

[kpopnonous]

Why Try[Yoongi x Reader] pt.1

SUMMARY: So I randomly thought how Yoongi would be like for this so,although My idea was having  a rap song but eh,this song fit better here.I’m still working on the title since I haven’t got one.If you want Part 2 request for it

PAIRING: Min Yoongi x Reader

WORDS: 1010

TYPE/WARNING:

REQUEST:

SONG: One Last Time 

WRITTER:

I was a liar I gave into the fire I know I should've fought it At least I'm being honest

Caught up in the moment of making out at your house with a random man you’ve met in the club.

Okay so it was wrong,but you couldn’t help it.If your boyfriend was paying attention to you,you wouldn’t have been in this position.

Sitting on his lap grinding into him as you can feel his ever growing bulge,His hands on your chest,slightly pinching your breast.

As he left sloppy wet kisses on your neck you realize the whole situation

‘No. . . I can’t do Yoongi this. . .’

“Stop. . .I SAID STOP!” You shouted at the man and puahed him back as you got off of him

“W-why?” The unknown man stuttered

“Because I have a boyfriend and I can’t do this”

“You mean you had a boyfriend” You gasp when you turned around and saw Yoongi’s face,standing there with a hurt exression

“Yoo-”

“Don’t,I left the studio early since I’ve been too hook on my work to give you any affection but here you are sucking the life out of this fuck face. . .I want to see you out by the morning”He said as he left the house that you and him sh-the house that you used to live in

Feel like a failure 'Cause I know that I failed you I should've done you better 'Cause you don't want a liar (come on)

Home at the old house you had,eating the third bucket of ice-cream.

“I mean,I can’t blame him... He trusted me and I blew it,I failed him when he put his trust in me.”

“Y/n I’m a shame of you,Look at you,a mess hair unkempt,buckets  of ice-cream and girl you reek.Look  I know what you did was wrong,and that you could have done better but come on staying here whole day isnt going to help you”  Your friend  Y/B/F/N told you

She’s right,It’s been three months and here I am still crying over this,what if I fix myself maybe I can get him back. . .But he doesnt wants lairs. .  .

“B/f/n Help me fix myself"

After a week of B/f/n helping you back into shape,she did a pretty good job on you.

You were walking with your dog(or) cat in the park when you saw Yoongi with. . . another girl.And not just any girl

Your ex best friend.You wasn’t that surprised since she used to steal all the guys you had,but this mad you mad

“Is she serious? Hn we’ll see about that”

And I know, and I know, and I know She gives you everything but boy I couldn't give it to you And I know, and I know, and I know That you got everything But I got nothing here without you

You turned into a stalker,You stalked both there instagram,twitter facebook etc all social media of them and it was creepy,But the bright side was how the ARMYS didn’t like her due to her past.

One of her ex friends exposed her on the internet and all hell broke lose.

But you kept looking threw there picture’s,all of her kissing his lips,The lips you once kissed. . .

You picked up your phone and scroll threw the contacts.You found the name you were looking for 

You threw your phone at the wall,as tears started to come out of your eyes

“Why did I do it?! Why?!” You lay your head in your pillow crying your eyes out.

“Come on Y/n pull yourself together,If messaging him isn't working then i need to fine another route”

So one last time I need to be the one who takes you home One more time I promise after that, I'll let you go Baby I don't care if you got her in your heart All I really care is you wake up in my arms One last time I need to be the one who takes you home

“But please!Just hear me out!” You told him while you kept knocking on the door.

It was hard,Jungkook was the one who inform all of the boys that you were coming,but before he can even warn them you were infront of the door banging away.

“Y/N he doesn’t want to see you! Leave!” Jin told you threw the other side of the door

“Well get comfy because I’m not leaving here till I speak to him” You said as you kept knocing

“Hyung!Just go and make her stop!” You heard what sounded like Jimin’s voice

“Yah! My ears will bleed!”

You knocked louder,you stopped when you heard shuffling on the other side.You put your ears on the door to hear whispers.

You then continue to knock.The door opened and you saw Min Yoongi

“Now that wasn’t heard now was it?”You joked alittle

“What is it now Y/n?”

“Just give me one more chance,Thats all I’m asking please!”

“My answer is-” You cut him off by saying

“ I promise after that, I'll let you go Baby I don't care if you got her in your heart All I really care is you wake up in my arms”

“Look Y/n I said no now goodbye” He said closing the door.All you can do is stare blankly at it

You wipe your eyes from the tears,You left to return to your house.

Afew days after that,you got a mail from a  talent agent who saw video of you singing a song on the internet,You accept it after meeting the person.

Few Months Later

As your career taking off after your first music video with Selena  Gomez,You were enjoying the life of fame,yet there was something missing.

That thing that was missing was your love,past love Min Yoongi.

There hasn’t been a day where you stop thinking of him,how his eyes used to sparkle at the glance of you,or the way he’d make a small smirk,or how he was a big soft for you,Only you...

You were home at your house writing a few lyrics for the new song.

Baby please dont go,

I’ll really miss you,

I’m so lonely

Please don’t go

Thats all you’ve gotten so far,It’s supposed to be a duet with Ariana Grande.You picked up your phone to message her,you got her number when you guys met in the AMA [American Music Awards]

You went to the music room that you had in your new house and started playing a few notes

Thats the end of this part if you want more request for it.My request box is always open until notice.This one-shot holds 1010 words for the story line.We do not count the notes,summaries etc

[honey-nut-gloomios]

im gonna rant for a sec

im only doing it here instead of my spam acc on ig because all my friends are following that and i have like two friends following this so like whatever you know they prolly arent gonna see it anyways and if they do please dont talk about it with me or anyone else i just need to rant this is my fuckin problem i can deal with it on my own okay

but i fucked up i fucked up so hard and i dont know what to do i was so stressed over my homework last night that my anger came out and every tiny thing stressed me out... i fucking chucked my earbuds across the room because my playlist was playing songs i didnt wanna listen too and then i cried because the silence was even worse. this isnt a rare thing— my anger gets out of control fairly often when i get extremely stressed or frustrated. just last week i chucked my phone onto the floor so hard it bounced up and hit the wall and bounced off and fell down the stairs. so. i know i have a problem. im trying to work on it. its hard. it sucks. but you wanna know what i fucking did?

my fucking boyfriend, logan, texted me after i ranted for a quick second in a groupchat were both in, just as a way to scream into the void because no one responds to rants in groupchats. i did that on purpose. he told me i shouldnt rant there because what else is he here for. and i, being fucking beyond pissed off and stressed was acting like a bitch. because everything was pissing me off. including logan. so i text him and i say smth along the lines of “i cant spend any more time texting because i need to get my homework done, shh”. i know it was rude but it wasnt intended to be rude i guess but it turned out rude as hell. and he pulled out a “sorry for wanting to help ig” which he does all the fuckiNG TIME AND IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH BECAUSE ITS SO GUILT TRIPPY AND MANIPULATIVE AND GROSS and so i said that and i said that is not the fucking time to pull that line out!!!! in a really mean text and i immediately said “sorry that was mean” and he got all butthurt about the first text i sent which wasnt that rude considering he knows what im like when i get like that!! but basically we ended up yelling at each other and i was a douchebag and being an asshole and he just kept saying “gn” over and over because he was just trying to get rid of me and now i dont blame him but in the moment it was making me madder and madder to the point of me starting to punch myself in the legs and punch my phone because thats just how i am when i get that mad and frustrated. i was already crying from the stress of my homework and this was all making it worse and i kept telling him he should just fucking leave me because im awful and he was like no why would i leave i love you im never leaving and i fucking opened my mouth and said if you wont leave then i will and i fucking blocked him a few minutes later... i hate myself so much. i fucking ruined everything and that was my one chance... the one fucking time where anyone would be crazy enough to love me and i think i blew it. but weirdly enough a small part of me is relieved. we had been fighting a lot in the past month or two. and im honestly sick of it. but at the same time i miss him and dont wanna let go why did i do that im so fucking dumb!!! i dont know it its over or not and i dont know if i want it to be over or not why am i like this why did i let myself do shit when i was that emotional ???

im sorry i just really dont know whats wrong with me and im struggling so im really sorry for the rant if you made it this far i love you and youre probably one of my irl friends but its okay im okay i dont need like pity or anything im fine just dont ask me about this okay thanks